Tuesday, February 28, 2017


sigh, with all the technology around, video chats, countless 'social media', ubiquitous phones, with all of supposedly 'connecting devices', I miss the human connection.

I miss being able to sit across a human being, without a phone, without a screen, without deadlines being counted in minutes, with just conversation, silence and the minuscule expressions on the face, which gave away so much.

I have often wondered: how much of the disconnect, is simply due to a busy life , with kids, office, responsibilities, geographical distances... and how much is just meaningless busyness.

Every now and again, a few stolen moments on chat, throw back the curtain on a huge labyrinth, and then before theres a chance to explore, the curtain appears again, the moment is lost, and we go back to our islands, with pretty pictures on the curtain.

Unfortunately, I don't see any hope of any of this getting better. The only hope is to try and limit my own use of 'technology' and keep trying to catch real life.  Which is also hard to do, more so in my current frame of mind.

A friend had once written a few lines by Nida, applies now in a different context, more than ever..

dhoop mein niklo, ghataon mein naha ke dekho, 
zindagi kya hai, kitaabon ko hata ke dekho..

Thursday, February 23, 2017

coming out.

Its been so long since I have felt any heartfelt enthusiasm or really looked forward to anything in life. On the surface it all seems so normal, I travel, meet old friends, organize meet ups, even 'parties'.  All is apparently well and good. I knew that I was somewhat depressed, but having struggled with moods and lows all my life, I thought it wasn't any more than usual. School days had been the worst , with suicidal phases lasting months, even years. Back then of course I didn't know of fancy names like a high functioning depressive. Plus there were enough circumstances that I could blame for my feeling low.

However lately, I had started 'coming out' to a few friends, avoiding the easy 'yep life is all good' and instead giving the longer , more complicated answer. Whats the point ? Maybe I was just tired of pretending.

Sometimes when you use the dreaded word 'depression', the generic , safe catchall, you find that other friends open up too. Just as your Facebook life had seemed perfect, and you had seemed like the well sorted , strong person, good parent, bla bla, but you weren't really, similarly they show their chinks too. And sometimes you learn some new way of coping they have used. Meditation apps, diet supplements, or just the relief of an honest conversation.

At other times, with friends who have never really been through anything of the sort, it gets harder to explain. When they try to 'reason' it out, how much you have going for you, how lucky you are, how you can't keep feeling sorry for yourself , have to snap out of it and move on.. it isn't as easy to explain. The 'ability to cope' doesn't really have a simple correlation with the hardship scale of the circumstances. What is the ability to cope really? Why is it that on some days a simple conversation with anyone seems terribly hard, although you may be going about your day looking perfectly normal. Why does grief strike suddenly , inexplicably, and you find yourself crying buckets for no good reason? Why do you feel nothing? or feel too much? or feel anxious? or feel paranoid? I have seldom felt anxious or paranoid, but having seen parents and close friends and family go through it , I come back to the same thing - you can't reason with these things, or explain them.

Some things help: good sleep, exercise, good food, family and friends, meditation, gratitude journals, coloring books, hobbies/enjoyable activities etc etc. Some things make it worse over the day, though they may give a momentary high: insomnia, sugar, Facebook and isolation, screens/virtual time in general, endless busyness trying to control the lives of others..

But knowing and doing are two hugely different things. Its a daily uphill struggle, and living close to the edge means small losses often tip you over.  

Friday, February 10, 2017

Parenting sucks.

sigh.. I so wasn't made for this parenting bit. And like everything else in life, its so much harder when you don't enjoy it .

Just trying to get anything done while the toddler is around , is frigging impossible. Go to the loo in peace for 5 mins ? hah. Have a bath ? seriously are you kidding, that is at least a 15 min job. Do the dishes? maybe, since you can still talk to him intermittently, and he can come and hit your legs a few times during the job. Eat a meal in peace ? All you need to do is start, and their susu potty whining will start immediately.

Should we get more ambitious?  Cleaning the house? putting away laundry? Order groceries? Too ambitious aren't we?

And then the really really ambitious stuff, read a novel, study programming, make some diy stuff, - yeah right.

And then the endless clearing up of the landmines and mess and food they leave in their wake.

Some people enjoy playing with kids, I don't. Never did, and probably never will. So theres basically no upside. Just the 'how cute, how lovely' feeling while they are sleeping.

What really pisses me off is when people ask 'what do you do all day'. I try to survive. I try to do all the above. I try not to keep crying and shouting in frustration.

I usually fail.

The only thing that keeps my sanity is the 3 hours of play school . I might just go over the bend once summer holidays start. Will probably throw him to the screens , the phones and tvs which I have mostly avoided so far. Free baby sitting , short term gain and long term pain.. but kal kisne dekha hai..