Friday, March 14, 2014

Minority Report.

Probably been the longest break on this blog.. and of course this is while I have plenty of time on hand. Time not just to post, but also to read, watch movies, do crafts, or pretty much indulge myself in any way I want. But I haven't been doing any of those. Haven't felt like it. Have waitlisted books, lying untouched. Have movies that I waited for, for months, lying unwatched.  I really don't have an answer these days, when people ask me, 'what have you been doing'. I think I sulk and I brood. And when longsuffering nn, or my friends try to cheer me up, I mostly crib, and sometimes try to lie and say I am fine, and feel even angrier at that.

But mostly the fact of the matter is, this has been the most miserable 6 months of life ever. By a long shot. Jaundice was a walk in the park. The occasional high fever, cough, cold episodes don't even register. Discussions of it , veer into other areas very rapidly. Comparisons with other people. Your own attitude. How there must be something wrong with me, since my experience does not mimic either the majority's or the popular narrative.

But heck I am just too pissed off today. I HATE this. I can't wait for it to get over. It has to be the worst experience of my life. There is no joy in it. Maybe you get a few kicks out of it, but thats it. The endless soul destroying exhaustion, the nausea, the headaches, the constant painful infections, the puking, the interrupted sleep, the constipation which makes you almost pass out, and most of all, the mental changes, I am sorry but they don't in the least make for a beautiful experience, and don't showcase the amazing grace of god or nature. When I hear beautiful, amazing and wonderful, I barf and snort.

Its only reminders of evolution and the much more bizarre things out there, which occasionally give me some perspective. Just reminds you of what a trial and error thing this whole process is. Yes it could be worse in many many ways, but just for once I want to rant without looking at the positive side. It sucks. Period.


...:M e d h a:... said...

Ah, my poor friend. I won't try to pacify you. Just know that your rant was heard and not judged and that you are still VERY loved. Medz

Tess said...

ah thank you thank you ! sometimes thats all we want, just to be heard without reasons, rationalizations and judgements ..