Monday, October 09, 2006

Rediscovering the virtual world

Spent the day surfing through blogs.. something I hadn't done in a while. There seem to be all kinds.. some are scribbles about happenings in personal life, others are a review board for movies and books, some are political, others feel good and spiritual. But its good fun reading about different stuff, and varied points of view. There's more of a chance of finding something original out here than on the increasingly uni dimensional tv! Well for now I'll go back to the mind numbing tv , and then its back to even more mind numbing work tomorrow.. sigh.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

The Idiot Box

For the past 3 days I've been getting home and watching mindless tv for 5 hours straight everyday.. This really has to stop! I must start doing something useful with my time. Like what? Hmm now that requires some thought,I'll sleep over it and perhaps come up with a smart idea tomorrow.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Back to scribbling!

I'd closed this blog 2 years back, saying that it was time to close this stupid thing.. but there are always second chances, aren't there?

14th June 2008 - Thought I'd post my old blog as well. Here goes:

Thursday, January 22, 2004
A beginning finally! Was toying with the idea for a while..

Short update for the past 25 years..




still working.. :))

Too ill right now to do more of it.. guess i need to catch up on some rest / reading..
# posted by tess @ 12:02 AM

Friday, January 23, 2004
It can be a depressing realisation sometimes that no matter how much you do.. its possible that it may not be enough..

But then i suppose it is part of the maturing process to realise that each one of us is not here to excel in our jobs or talents.. no matter how much this capitalist ayn randian lifestyle makes us "mediocres" hate ourselves. Perhaps some day that maturity will come to me as well.. for the time being, i hurt all over, from the accumulated realisations of jobs personal realtionships and so much else in life.

Went out for a party yesterday, used to hate them , but i am realising that after downing a couple of drinks, things seem pretty cool, and one can happily dance ones blues away!

Looking forward to something on the weekend.. dunno what tho.. things with him are never too well planned.. besides the meetings every so often end up as expensive outings.. and money is something that's not easy currency for him these days..
# posted by tess @ 1:47 AM
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Still more or less idle on the job.. This is supposed to be the golden time to do all those things that one never gets time to do during the course of a busy project.. But somehow the lethargy associated with the idleness overcomes me :))

Have been trying to put on weight and develop some stamina but not much progress so far.. Maybe I will get a pair of dumb bells and start again tomorrow.. Why is it that getting into a good habit is so much more difficult than getting into a bad habit??

Am reading victor Hugo right now and hoping to complete it some time soon so that I can get on to the other tons of books on the waiting list.. Books are one thing I adore. Hope to keep up with them the way I used to in college.

Came across a couple of interesting articles today..
the one on the Mac is certainly a good eye opener for us junkies.. We always knew this stuff was bad.. But never realised it was soo bad!!

The other deals with the eternal outsourcing debate.. But more balanced than some of the other articles on the subject .
# posted by tess @ 1:06 AM
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Played tt yesterday after ages.. the ball was more on the ground and bouncing off the ceiling than on the table, but what the heck me n my equally clumsy friend had a good time! Lets hope we get the table free again some day soon!

Also intend to start on a "health" plan this year.. eat more , exercise more and feel great (ok this is just what the blurb says.. truth could be anything! ) Went for jogging a couple of times this week, also bought dumb bells..

It rained today morning.. the cold just refuses to go away.. brrr! But then if its Delhi, you know that a few weeks later it will be the heat that we'll be ruing, talk of extremes.

Career moves are still ziltch.. have no idea what I'm doing in this mad mad industry.. but then its a love hate thing I guess, can't think of where else I would rather be.. even though I seem to be pretty bad at this. Got formal "feedback" abt my performance capabilities today, wasn't as awful as i'd expected, but then it wasn't great good either. Well lets see where life will roll us off next.
# posted by tess @ 9:37 PM

Friday, February 20, 2004
Been work work most of the week. Really wonder where the time goes, surely there's go to be more to life than office!!

Had hoped it would be a good weekend, began well enough, watching lotr which wasn't bad, and then got started on the novel.. but then came the Sunday and someone stole my cell right from my pocket. Twice in less than a year.. God was I mad! Anyway ended up spending another few thousand.. Life sucks. Why doesn't it happen to those lucky bastards who get their cellphones on a silver platter from their parents?

looking forward to the weekend book fair.. Have decided to splurge, after all there are very few things in life worth spending money on.. cell phones isn't one of them, but books are :D Have also resolved to study.. Lets see how far this resolve stays.

Wish I could stay more in touch with stuff like plays, recitals, movies etc.
# posted by tess @ 1:44 AM

Thursday, March 11, 2004
just one of those low days.. that strike now and again. Had a looong talk with him the other day. Wasn't too nice a feeling..

Sometimes i wish soo much to find one single person out there who would understand. Just once, someone to whom i wouldn't have to sound arrogant. Someone who wouldn't feel that i'm inflexible and rigid and uncaring. Why wouldn't i change? why indeed?? i guess i am all those things.

Perhaps things will work out. Perhaps they won't. Who knows? And then again, there's all the time in the world to wait. I guess the thing is simply that somewhere along the way, most of the other illusions about life have dropped off... don't want this one to.

However I do wish i could understand as to why my ego is a sign of arrogance, while its ok for a guy to have he same. Maybe some day i'll understand.

Will be taking a leave tomorrow and attending a Landmark course. Lets hope i feel better when i come back on monday, and there is something to look forward to in life. Really regret not having gone for further studies now. Don't know if i have the guts to look for a job abroad, but i guess i will have to do that. Don't have many bargaining chips left, since i've already overused all mine, just asking for some justice.
# posted by tess @ 4:10 AM
Of landmark cults and marriages.
The other weekend I attended this course called the "Landmark Forum". Had gone out of curiosity, and was perhaps sold by the fact that I friend recommended it saying that lots of people from her office had attended it and come back impressed/transformed..

Was a busy weekend, since its a 3 day thingie, 9 in the morning till 12 at night. Lots of yap yap. I guess this link with its skeptical outlook sums up things to some extent. There's tons of stuff out there on the net.. In fact if I'd read up stuff before going for it, I may have summoned the courage to speak up in the forum and tell the "instructor" exactly what I felt at the end. One of my biggest regrets remains that I didn't speak up at the final meet and at least let out my feeling about the clever packaging of sense and nonsense in a potent environment.

But overall I'd still say that it was a Waste of time n money, they give you all the life's fundas that you already knew!! Still 150 people left there feeling "transformed" Except a couple of us who already knew we were jerks when we walked in, so there was no take home when you walk out :))

I don't think I am a very well adjusted person, have my share of hang ups and depressions.. I could blame it on any scapegoat genes/experiences/attitude. And I guess I did go there looking for some ideas.. But still couldn't come to terms with the fact that an experience like that could "transform" so many people, and if it could then why it left me cold, and even pretty angry at what seemed like a massive "racket" to me. That seems to be a more valid use of the word than the one favored by messers landmark.

Incidentally, I am very very curious as to where the money from things like this goes.. Seems like a high profit business indeed. Tell people that they are responsible for all their problems, or rather their perception of things as problems and do that explaining in such a highly surcharged atmosphere that no one can be unaffected. And if at the end of it, there are still some people left who are left wondering why they paid 2 months rent on what is at best just one approach to life and not a very sustainable one at that.. Why then here's the best part of the philosophy.. "You are feeling exactly the way you should" . The sort of hot air answer that is no answer at all, but can't be refuted either. Some mind job!

Then the next weekend was spent attending the marriage of one of my really close school friends. Couldn't help getting nostalgic about things we'd done years ago. The thicks and thins we'd crossed over the decade. Perhaps it was the first time at anyone's marriage that I actually felt a tangible loss.. not sure what it was for.

Anyway its gotten quite usual now. People get married and move on. And then either they can't or they don't, look back. It surprised me the first few times, but by now its understood. Its a rule which so far has no exceptions.

# posted by tess @ 7:54 AM

Monday, May 17, 2004
Its been quite a month on the political front.. and quite a fortnight too.

Suddenly there is a flurry of crappy mails sent out by religious bigots who can't believe that they faced a reversal. Anyway the whole situation is sad. Cause the current arrangement isn't all that great, and the worst being that eventually it may all end with them getting their "hindu" rashtra. Don't wanna stay in this country, which in some ways i loved in spite of everything that was wrong with it.

But still can't help gloating right now, maybe the feeling is one of cutting your nose to spite your face, but when i think of some of the statements that some ppl i always hated had made..
Statements like "mera rashtriya swabhiman mujhe jhankjhor deta hai" etc, i feel thrilled at the thought that they must be writhing. Never thought i could feel so sadistic or that i could feel so much rage. But eventually the feeing is more of helplessness when i see the sort of opposition these ppl get. Dunno why, i seem to have a pessimistic view of where this country is going, and i certainly don't feel a part of it anymore. I'm not a hindu in the manner in which that word is projectd... and i guess i identify even less with the indian culture that is sought to be promoted these days than our soon to be "foreign" pm.

So much for stinking politics. Guess its time to sleep now. Yawn!
# posted by tess @ 8:38 AM

D-day and then some..
Its been a busy month.. Spent a lot of it counting the days.. It had been a while since I'd seen him! Finally the d-day arrived.. Had quite a nice day, was the nicest birthday gift :D not to mention the books n music he got me. Perhaps it was the first time in years that my close friend from school wasn't there.. Missed her, but I guess its time to move on..

It was a busy week at work as well.. Lots of late nights, not to mention working weekends - which I bunked this week :D

Also caught a couple of movies.. Harry potter and day after tomorrow were on expected lines and fairly good. The third was a hard hitting one by govind nihalani.. Was a bit of disappointment actually, don't think i had gone there expecting him to do his bit for the marriage of "art" and "mainstream" cinema. Never did agree with the differenciation too well, but this one just wasn't up to the mark. But the best part of course was the audience reaction, poor govind would be shattered to know that his "hero" was booed out and his "villain" and his bloody acts got all the accolades and cat calls. And this was a supposedly "upmarket" theatre..

guess it all ties in with the poison that a lot of this generation has been fed. State sponsored violence is justified and how! So much for godhra..

Interesting that the movie covered almost all the incidents, but never mentioned the PM's silence and his tacit support, something for which i would never ever be able to forgive one of the "best" "masks" this country has had.

Monday, October 04, 2004
Travel at last
Finally after 20 neverending years in my good old delhi, i am getting a chance to stay elsewhere. Work brought me to Chicago, and it was nice to get a chance to travel.

The first week was spent just enjoying the novelty of the experiance.. so many firsts.. but now that that has worn off.. i can't help go back to feeling what i always did.. that though i would always jump on any chance to travel, finally there is no place that i can feel quite at home, there is always that feeling at the back of the mind, of going back "home".

I missed him all through.. wishing we could be together, wishing we could at least talk, but somehow it was just not meant to be.

# posted by tess @ 9:10 PM

Saturday, October 09, 2004
The end.
i guess its time to close this stupid thing down. Should never have started it. over and out.

# posted by tess @ 3:49 PM