Tuesday, June 06, 2017

Keep calm and carry on.

Its been an uphill few months. A few bad blips even. Mostly a case of one step forward, one step back. Unfortunately on occasion its two steps back. 

So now will have to catch up again on the things I have dropped after doing them for a bit. Routine, yoga, meditation, reading, limiting screen time, eliminating social media ( hah maybe it should be called anti-social media).  Reading up a bit on CBT was useful, maybe I need to find a book that explains it better and use it. 

Also need to give myself a break, forgive myself. Everything can't be up to my arbitrary standards, and specially since I am not in a position to chase or live up to those standards myself. I need to let go. k will survive in the school whose food habits are not ideal, better some random sugar and biscuits, than..  Its ok to lean and take help. Its ok if others judge, leave.. It is what it is.  

And will have to deal with the frightening thought that sometimes things don't go back to 'normal'. Sometimes when you lose a limb, its just gone. Staying strong, and positive thoughts, and just waiting for it to blow over, or willing the universe to conspire might not work. Maybe you just need to get artificial limbs. It is a relief to also stop pretending finally. Infinite gratitude for all the love and help I have got. 

Keep calm and carry on.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Fast and the furious - n - F Gary Gray

fatf (n+1) < fatf (n)

assuming n =0, fatf (0) = 0.
when n = 1,
fatf (1) < fatf(0)
fatf < 0
fatf (2) < fatf < 0
fatf(8) <<<<<< 0

Sigh , I like Vin and Dwayne and Jayson and Charlize , but dumping them into the screen with a bunch of cars and no script and only cgi seems like a waste of my time.

Never again!

Friday, April 21, 2017

Logan - James Mangold

Finally got to see a movie alone at the hall recently,  after quite a while.

Liked it quite a bit, and yes I am a fan of x-men, so this isn't a neutral review!

Its a funny feeling to see your drool drool heroes grow old. Those actors you saw 25 years back looking so gorgeous and drop dead handsome, now with a slower gait, leathery skin and fraying hair.  Reminding you more of parents, who are already grandparents. A 'superhero' movie at that, which does not gloss over the last painful chapters, in an age where everything is white washed.  This one is mostly not about the shiny new powers someone is getting, its about the dulling and losing of those powers.

Its a tightrope walk of course for such movies and their directors, they can't go all out and make this only about  about those 'heroes' struggling with daily life, cooking, sleeping, disease, ablutions, death..  Of course the franchise must go on.

But much though I loved Hugh Jackmen and the x-men series, this was perhaps a fitting farewell. All things come to an end. This is how it ends.. its not pretty, but it is what it is. 

Wednesday, April 05, 2017

navratri yog class.

Completed the 9 days of navratri yoga class today.

Wasnt easy to leave at 6 in the morning as I had hoped. s woke up at all hours like, 4 , 5, 6 on all days except today. But somehow managed, although p had a tough time.

I liked the few classical poses, short and nothing fancy, and the following chanting. For someone who always hated all the chanting and temple nonsense , thats a strange thing to say. I guess partly because I stopped trying to 'believe' or argue with the belief , in a literal shiva or durga 'god'. I  let it be more like a way of centering/meditation. Like I am not 'praying' to a literal 3 eyed god sitting in a cave, asking for immortality, but just using the mantra to center my own thoughts. Using the group energy and the discipline of a schedule , since I can't muster up the self motivation to do it on my own.

And a huge part of course was that p himself was taking the class, it makes a very big  difference. I don't think I would have made the effort if it had been any other teacher. Why exactly ? Thats harder to answer. His own ethos is quite traditional and  firmly rooted in things that I have a hard time believing in. But there's something about the way he says things, without seeming to force it down, which makes it very accessible.

The post class food that different people brought was a lovely touch. Tasted a lot of things for the first time. In general, hunger , cravings and food consumption has reduced drastically, probably a combination of the weather, general attempts at healthier, smaller meals, and probably my annual episodic lack of hunger. One good thing is that sugar cravings have not only gone, but I find excessive sugar distasteful now! Mixed feelings on that one.

Would I be able to keep up with the personal sadhna going forward? I hope so. I never completed the 50 hours of solitary yog that we were supposed to do. Will try that.

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Restarting yoga.

Finally after a long break for 8-9 months from all yoga/gym/physical activity, I somehow dragged myself and paid up to rejoin yoga classes.

I still love the classes, specially the slightly slower paced ones, emphasising body/breath/mind awareness rather than the faster paced 'power' yoga styles, which without a very talented teacher, can soon resemble the boot-camp classes. I have enjoyed boot camp classes too, but they have a very different focus.

Thanks to the long break, my stamina was at an all time low, I usually had to break the holds and take rest quite often. With the body slowly creaking back, I am also reluctant to push it right away into new, unfamiliar asans, which earlier I would have jumped at.

But perhaps consciously taking it easy, and allowing myself leeway for starting slow, also means that the practice feels lighter, less stressful, more comfortable.

The highlight for todays class was the tree pose held on both sides for quite a bit. I loved it. I hope some day to stop wobbling too!

Sunday, March 05, 2017

Looks like no one blogs anymore. A chance memory yesterday got me all nostalgic and I went back a decade, and realised that all the blogs from that time are pretty much dead. 

People tweet I suppose, or use instagram. or even facebook. or other stuff that i dont even know about ! At any rate, lets see if I continue blogging or this one will die soon too! 

Thursday, March 02, 2017


One of the things that really make me feel depressed and unproductive is the time I waste on the phone and internet. 

Like any other addiction, it gives a temporary high, a little bit of instant gratification, and then makes you want more and more of it, and eventually leaves you feeling very depressed. 

Plus the social media and news has been getting more and more depressing, and I know just like I stopped TV, I need to get off these social media platforms. It will mean that my already depleted friends circle and limited social interaction will take a further nosedive, but considering how much negativity I will be able to avoid, it is a no-contest. Besides , there is always good old email and the still useful whatsapp to stay in touch. 

So operation taper down has been on for a few weeks, will try to add momentum to it. Bring down daily phone use below 1.5 hours. Lets see in a week how it looks. 

Tuesday, February 28, 2017


sigh, with all the technology around, video chats, countless 'social media', ubiquitous phones, with all of supposedly 'connecting devices', I miss the human connection.

I miss being able to sit across a human being, without a phone, without a screen, without deadlines being counted in minutes, with just conversation, silence and the minuscule expressions on the face, which gave away so much.

I have often wondered: how much of the disconnect, is simply due to a busy life , with kids, office, responsibilities, geographical distances... and how much is just meaningless busyness.

Every now and again, a few stolen moments on chat, throw back the curtain on a huge labyrinth, and then before theres a chance to explore, the curtain appears again, the moment is lost, and we go back to our islands, with pretty pictures on the curtain.

Unfortunately, I don't see any hope of any of this getting better. The only hope is to try and limit my own use of 'technology' and keep trying to catch real life.  Which is also hard to do, more so in my current frame of mind.

A friend had once written a few lines by Nida, applies now in a different context, more than ever..

dhoop mein niklo, ghataon mein naha ke dekho, 
zindagi kya hai, kitaabon ko hata ke dekho..

Thursday, February 23, 2017

coming out.

Its been so long since I have felt any heartfelt enthusiasm or really looked forward to anything in life. On the surface it all seems so normal, I travel, meet old friends, organize meet ups, even 'parties'.  All is apparently well and good. I knew that I was somewhat depressed, but having struggled with moods and lows all my life, I thought it wasn't any more than usual. School days had been the worst , with suicidal phases lasting months, even years. Back then of course I didn't know of fancy names like a high functioning depressive. Plus there were enough circumstances that I could blame for my feeling low.

However lately, I had started 'coming out' to a few friends, avoiding the easy 'yep life is all good' and instead giving the longer , more complicated answer. Whats the point ? Maybe I was just tired of pretending.

Sometimes when you use the dreaded word 'depression', the generic , safe catchall, you find that other friends open up too. Just as your Facebook life had seemed perfect, and you had seemed like the well sorted , strong person, good parent, bla bla, but you weren't really, similarly they show their chinks too. And sometimes you learn some new way of coping they have used. Meditation apps, diet supplements, or just the relief of an honest conversation.

At other times, with friends who have never really been through anything of the sort, it gets harder to explain. When they try to 'reason' it out, how much you have going for you, how lucky you are, how you can't keep feeling sorry for yourself , have to snap out of it and move on.. it isn't as easy to explain. The 'ability to cope' doesn't really have a simple correlation with the hardship scale of the circumstances. What is the ability to cope really? Why is it that on some days a simple conversation with anyone seems terribly hard, although you may be going about your day looking perfectly normal. Why does grief strike suddenly , inexplicably, and you find yourself crying buckets for no good reason? Why do you feel nothing? or feel too much? or feel anxious? or feel paranoid? I have seldom felt anxious or paranoid, but having seen parents and close friends and family go through it , I come back to the same thing - you can't reason with these things, or explain them.

Some things help: good sleep, exercise, good food, family and friends, meditation, gratitude journals, coloring books, hobbies/enjoyable activities etc etc. Some things make it worse over the day, though they may give a momentary high: insomnia, sugar, Facebook and isolation, screens/virtual time in general, endless busyness trying to control the lives of others..

But knowing and doing are two hugely different things. Its a daily uphill struggle, and living close to the edge means small losses often tip you over.  

Friday, February 10, 2017

Parenting sucks.

sigh.. I so wasn't made for this parenting bit. And like everything else in life, its so much harder when you don't enjoy it .

Just trying to get anything done while the toddler is around , is frigging impossible. Go to the loo in peace for 5 mins ? hah. Have a bath ? seriously are you kidding, that is at least a 15 min job. Do the dishes? maybe, since you can still talk to him intermittently, and he can come and hit your legs a few times during the job. Eat a meal in peace ? All you need to do is start, and their susu potty whining will start immediately.

Should we get more ambitious?  Cleaning the house? putting away laundry? Order groceries? Too ambitious aren't we?

And then the really really ambitious stuff, read a novel, study programming, make some diy stuff, - yeah right.

And then the endless clearing up of the landmines and mess and food they leave in their wake.

Some people enjoy playing with kids, I don't. Never did, and probably never will. So theres basically no upside. Just the 'how cute, how lovely' feeling while they are sleeping.

What really pisses me off is when people ask 'what do you do all day'. I try to survive. I try to do all the above. I try not to keep crying and shouting in frustration.

I usually fail.

The only thing that keeps my sanity is the 3 hours of play school . I might just go over the bend once summer holidays start. Will probably throw him to the screens , the phones and tvs which I have mostly avoided so far. Free baby sitting , short term gain and long term pain.. but kal kisne dekha hai..